As the day has been rolling nearer, my sleep has been gradually becoming more restless, my dream retention has upped a significant amount, and the reality is finally hitting me a bit. I will be leaving on a plane for England, and then from there to Ghana, in less than half a day. I am not quite yet sure how I feel about it. I know that my mind is excited, with the sure sign of thoughts racing about the possibilities and the anticipated escapades.
Perhaps that is a better word for it: Anticipation. I am anticipating a lot from this trip. I am not quite yet excited, nor am I completely relaxed neither. In fact, I'm quite stressed about getting all the last hangouts squeezed in with my friends and making sure I'm all packed without leaving something behind. There are in fact still two things I'd like to acquire from a store before leaving (at least that I can think of), but I think I'm finally hitting the stage of assurance in which I'm fine with just letting go a bit and trusting that I am in the able hands of my professor, caring hands of peers, and providential hands of God. I'm anticipatory.
Leaving isn't just about the next destination, however. Part of it is what is being left behind. This semester is not a permanent leave, but it is longer than I am used to. The longest I remember ever being abroad is a single month, not even close to four. There is a bit of sadness, a bit of premature longing for some of the relationships that will have to be put on hold and those that have to take a sort of shift in nature to adapt to the distance, as well as a sense of nostalgia for fall in Grand Rapids, seeing as I may not be in Grand Rapids next year after having graduated. This does not mean I am in any way regretting my decision to go abroad, instead, it is more like I am finally coming to terms with realities that I have already accepted but not truly had to face yet, till this point.
I think that sufficiently describes my current state and feelings on leaving, so here goes my current thoughts on blogging.
I've blogged on a few other occasions. I had my personal blog, which I kept up for a little while and then soon fell into a habit intermittently posting, solely depending upon the chance that I'd remember my blog's existence. However, I also blogged for a time for Calvin Admissions, and did a decent job with keeping up with posting. I am now hoping once again to keep up consistently, with at least a post per week. Hopes and past blogging experiences aside, I have realized that I had fallen into one of the largest tropes of blogging. I was blogging for others. I was blogging to say something witty, something interesting, to garner some sort of meager following and attention.
The difference this time is that I have a journey, which I wish to record. I am reaching a point where it is becoming clear that memories can only be effective up to a point by themselves. I saw pictures from my parents' college years and earlier. Looking back, I realized that elementary school was already fading into the white noise of my memories, just flashes of images and non sequitur details. Maybe that's just a part of life, however, I, myself, don't want to quite yet resign to that. And so blogging, for me, this time around will take on a new meaning.
I'm sorry about going on and on with this post, but with everything all happening at once, and not having started posting till now, I guess I just have a lot to say.
This Blog, is dubbed, perhaps enigmatically, as "How to Break a Behemoth". I wanted to avoid the whole trying-to-hard to be witty trope, and just go with something simple, but nothing came to me. Until the word Behemoth. Here's a link to the Wikipedia article on the Behemoth, which I sort of stumbled onto out of curiosity for the word's origin and different meanings: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Behemoth. As soon as I was done reading the article, I knew that I had a theme for my semester blog. I immediately thought "Breaking Behemoth", but then thought better and avoided that reference (perhaps you noticed, I actually still used it in the URL...).
So... here we are at "How to Break a Behemoth". It may grow and change a lot as the semester grows and changes. However, one thing that will remain is it's original purpose.
As the Wiki states or perhaps if you've heard in a sermon somewhere, or read in a book, Behemoth and Leviathan, who are mentioned in Job, both represented the insurmountable and untamable final frontier of both the land and sea (respectively). That one creature, that one thing that is and can be tame only under God's power, control, and sovereignty. This semester, socially, physically, emotionally, even professionally, all together as a whole, is my current Behemoth.
One misinterpretation that I wish to dodge right off the bat, is that I am not saying that I, myself, will be the one to break this Behemoth. As always, we are, as Christians, called to both an active two way relationship with God, as well as a more one sided dependence and filial (or perhaps more comprehensively, philial) obedience. So this record will not only be of my experiences, thoughts, and struggles, but will also have a moderate-to-strong focus on how God is breaking this Behemoth, and making it a surmountable journey, hopefully just within my effortful reach.
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